2010-07-16T19:11:00.001-07:00

One fine day, I was allocated to station at a department that I was unfamiliar with.
You came over and asked me to find the dictionaries. The moment you came over, I got a feeling that I've met you somewhere. But I was still new to that department, so I couldn't help him much other than telling him to find it himself. A while later, he came back and asked for the literature guidebooks. I feel so helpless as I really have no idea where they are even though they were in front of me. And again, he went on finding it himself. I wanted to talk to him, I don't know why I feel so attracted to him, however, I knew that I left a bad impression.

Weeks later, you came down to my department. I offer for help, you rejected. Because I couldn't help him the last time. I really wanted to help, I really wanted to make friends with you. You were so different from the rest. You don't talk to me unlike the rest. You make me so determined to make friends with you, but I know I won't get a chance. Because you don't smile, you spoke a few sentence, you look so unfriendly!

Sometimes, Eunice would came down help out at cashier counter. I always had lunch with her at 12 noon whenever both of us were working in the same place. Eunice had a big appetite and I really enjoyed having lunch with her. I am not afraid of feeling unglam with her around. And she was also the one that brought us together. I remembered at the end of December holidays, the four of us, Eunice, you, Elaine and me would had lunch together. I saw you smile, you opened your mouth and spoke. And I still believe that we can't be friends, simply because you ain't talking to me at all, not to mention a glance from you.

One of the HOD gossiped with me, she said she suspected you and Eunice were together because he would came down to bring books down. That day, Eunice was not working and so you didn't came down. I feel rather upset and I really don't know why.

VIP in town, everyone was doing house keeping. I was cleaning the glass window when you are on your way for lunch. You made fun of me and I really hate you for being mean. I swear that I won't talk to you again. After you finished your lunch, you came to me and asked to search for a book. I don't know why, I seem to have forgotten what I swear just now, I helped you to search for that book titled "Fire". Again, I can't find the book for you. You doesn't show any sign of disappointment however, I am elated because you talked to me, only me and you appreciated my help! I am foolish,isn't?

Majority of the part-timers had left, including BoShun, Paxton and Eunice. Elaine took majority of the days off. So I took the train without them, walking there alone. All of a sudden, you tapped my shoulder and talked to me. You smile at me. You asked why am I walking so fast. I was shocked, because I can't believe that the person that is talking to me is you. And that was when I realised that we took the same train(north-south line) together and we were actually lived quite near each other! I am super duper elated, you talked to me. And that the last week of December.

From that day onwards, we took train to work together, had lunch always every time and even took train back home together. A substitution of BoShun? Yes, people may think that way. To me, you're not. Because I would quarrel with him every time on train, but I would smile and laugh and had fun with you on train. We even played on train together. I would scold you for being childish and you weren't angry at all. I would secretly took a glance of our reflection on train when you didn't notice. You were so friendly, so gentle to me. I don't want him to sent me back to woodlands but I let you instead. I really really enjoyed your accompany. I smell love.

sometimes, we would take train together with Kok Keong, aunty MH and even Helen back home.

One day, you told me that you can't accompany me. The moment I stepped out of the place, I saw a girl outside. I stood on the ground for 1 second, and that second, I recall myself in a classroom, I saw you and her and other people. We were wearing different uniform. I then quickly walk off, I was certain that I had saw you somewhere before.

Days later, you told me that you had seen me somewhere before and the girl that I saw that night was one of his "girlfriends". You told me that she felt the same way as well. I was so afraid that you would recall where you had seen me, so I told you a lie. I told you that I don't have any impression of you guys. I did lots of unglam stuffs in the past and I am so afraid of letting you recognized me, I told a lie. Up till now, I didn't tell you the truth.

I asked you whether you had feelings for Eunice, you said nothing and asked me whether I am jealous in return. I told you a lie, I said I'm not.

Poly visits. You asked me to go with you together with your friends. You spent majority of the time on bus talking to me instead of your friends. But I don't feel like talking to you and want you to talk to your friends. I really afraid that you would discover that I was feeling unwell, I am afraid of letting you know that I had car sick. You later gave an IMPACT peach flavor. :) Everyone was having lunch. You offer to accompany me to buy lunch since everyone had brought theirs. As a result, I finished the whole plate of duck rice despite I am not hungry because of you. Am I silly? At Ngee Ann poly, I met QianHui as a result. I feel like a light bulb between you and your friends, so I decided to leave. QianHui asked whether we will be together and I told a lie again. I replied we won't be together. We met again in Singapore poly, I don't dare to look at you.

Posting result, I know I won't get into Poly, so I am really appreciating the time we spent together. I kept asking you about when you work and the number of days we going to spent with each other. I feel depressed, especially after my colleagues all asked whether the both of us were together. I don't know why, I really fall in love with you. I accidentally told Fam about how I feel towards you. I accidentally told you that I have feelings for you. I really afraid that you would ignore me like last time. I almost insane that night. I really really care about your feelings.

the night before I went to PJC to report, I cried the whole night. I told everyone that I don't want to go JC that's why I cry. However, this was only part of the truth. I cried because I can't continue to work and see you again. I can't took trains with you again. I can't have lunch with you again. I can't do lots of things with you again. I cried till my eyes were swollen. I did something stupid, I sent messages to you telling you how much I miss you. I am silly right?

The next day after school, I went to Bugis for steamboat session with some of my friends that night. I told you that I was in that area. After 9pm, I left to meet you. And again, we took train back home together. However, I feel awful with you on train that night. You later then asked the question. I went high but I controlled my feelings. I can't believe what I heard. I thought I was dreaming until I saw the smile on your face. I then know you had feelings for me as well.

5 months and 2 weeks later, we broke up. How I wish you didn't asked that question. Perhaps until now, I am still your secret admirer or perhaps, we are still friends.

I shall give myself 100 days to forget you and believe in love again.

I shall forget this simple yet blissful times I spent with you.

Even though I know it's impossible for me to give up, I shall give it a try.

Perhaps this is call retribution for telling you lie right from the beginning.

I love you.

shuyan